Sleek and thin
Like horse hair on a violin
Flowing and drowning in matrimonial bonding
A bickering mess of music makers
Willing girls with savvy smiles
Tracing their way to depression end
A place of marshmallow day lilies
Salty with a sugary delight
Where the oceans conspire and intertwine
And mess for places of the mind
The taste and smell of Italian days
And Spanish nights
The enterprise of love
Found to force and rape the theory
Of relativity
Soft skin on softer hands
That only could lead to the softest souls
I’d rather take chapped lips
Then a broken wasteland
Filled with dehydrated spices
Licking tongues to salvations
Epiphanies for anyone other then
Popes and slaves
Stolen of your final Armageddon
And banished to a island
Where the constant tsunamis flow over
Each other – wave for waves of waves
Don’t lie to the evening tide
Because it controls every morning’s dawn
On your part
Please don’t speak
Through sleek musician’s pianos
With knobby fingers and drumming keys
Callused hands gripped in callused hands
As they work their way to a crescendo
Lost making of hell
Woven, for the horse had died
Twenty years ago
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I found this very interesting. A little confusing at times, but good altogether. I only noticed a few small things:
I really liked your entire first stanza... very interesting and intriguing. In the 1st line here, I wasn't sure what you meant. Are you saying 'depression's end' or 'depression. End a place' Your last line was very well done, but I didn't like how you alike 'sugary' and 'salty' sounded. I suggest saying 'salted with a sugary delight' or something of that kind. Other than, that this part was beautiful. I liked the marshmallow day lilies
This was very rich and beautiful. In 'chapped lips then a broken wasteland' and 'anyone other then popes and slaves' I believe then should be than because you're making a comparison. Also thought that perhaps you could find a more interesting adjective than 'broken' in 'broken wasteland'. Broken is a good word, but I don't think it really fits wasteland. A wasteland reminds me of desolate, but just think about what other adjectives might fit better there.
Other than that, this poem was very beautiful. You had some great works of imagery to convey your point. Well done. Please keep on writing
I wish I could be more helpful than this, but this was excellent. I think it kind of went over my head, but a lot of things do. I mean, come on, I'm a frog! *points to avatar*
Yeah...so anyway, I think this is the best yet. Keep it up! :thumb: